What could we do when someone is feeling suicidal?

It is World Suicide Prevention Day, and I feel it is my duty to share my experience with suicide, and my opinions on the lack of awareness on how to handle it when someone you know expresses they're experiencing suicidal feelings and ideation. 

We are taught to stop, drop and roll when there is a fire. We are taught sex education. But no-one is taught how to respond when someone is feeling suicidal. I believe this is a huge injustice and causes alot of problems for those struggling with suicide. 

When I was at my most suicidal, I was afraid to reach out. Knowing that it's important to seek help, I reached out to some friends. I didn't have many I felt safe to reach out to. But I reached out to who I felt comfortable with. 

I was met with...no response. Ghosting. One person blocked me. 

There was one person however, a Neurodivergent person who struggles themselves with depression, who did respond. And their response was great. They said they were sorry that they didn't have capacity to be there for me right now, and wished me well. 

Many people forget that sometimes what we need most is just someone to listen, to respond to us with respect and kindness. Oftentimes we are in so much pain, and being ignored is not only wrong, but cruel. Social media allows people to put their heads in the sand when ghosting, but would you walk past someone standing at a bridge ready to jump? 

I think people feel that one is imposing pressure on them to be there for them and be responsible for them. I understand it is a huge responsibility. But if you are on the receiving end of somebody saying they're feeling suicidal, just know that you do not have to be there if you can't. What we often want is just respect, to be communicated to, and be shown some kindness. It is quite common that those dealing with suicide are feeling discarded, and have been met with unkindness in this difficult world. 

Being ignored not only made me feel less alone, but added to my burden to stay afloat, as now I had feelings of anger, a sense of injustice, hurt and deep pain. 

In my situation, when following up desperately for a reply from the people I reached out to, those people contacted a family member under whom I was undergoing emotional abuse. Those people had no idea of the situation, and it caused me to be pushed further from passive ideation (merely feeling suicidal feelings, but not planning it) to active ideation. I felt trapped, as I was trying to be sectioned in a mental hospital against my will. I began looking at how I should do it, and I was in such pain that while driving I came close to driving into oncoming traffic - the only thing stopping me was hurting others or surviving and being paralyzed for life with even less autonomy to end my life. 

Had I gone to the mental hospital against my will, knowing that hospital was a government run hospital, of which I've heard bad stories, I have no doubt I would've done whatever I could to take my own life. 

My Autonomy was taken from me. And when this was all happening, I went down to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, put it to my wrist, and stopped myself. I called my counsellor who is wonderful, and got through it. The feelings I was in, and the thoughts of doing that to myself, caused PTSD, my nervous system was wrecked, it was a shock to my system worse than when I had had a car accident, and it caused persistent somatic memory, which is when one's brain creates physical sensations based on visceral and vivid thoughts and memories. This somatic memory is still on my wrists 2 years later, 24/7.

I managed to avoid the hospital, and found a voluntary hospital where I felt safe, heard and understood. The voluntary hospital was incredible. My Autonomy, my choice to be there, and most of all the ability to be heard and given autonomy, saved my life, and allowed me to have incredible support and healing that helped me process the difficulties in my life, and my diagnoses. 

I am aware that some people experience psychosis, or are in such a desperate space that intervention is needed in order to save their life. I am not saying one should not intervene when things are extreme. I am just sharing my experience. I have spoken to people who have had the police come to their door when they have mentioned passive ideation to emergency services, and had traumatic experiences in hospitals that are not good. I have had some people describe some hospitals as "jail", 3 people all in different conversations mentioning the exact same word to describe that place. 

It is important to be aware of the faults in the mental healthcare system, of the fact that some places do not hear us, and can do more damage than good. 

I believe it is important to have emergency services that are vetted to be trauma-informed. I understand that within broken and under-funded systems, this is not always possible. I cannot advocate for people to not intervene when they feel necessary, but please take a brief moment to pause and consider whether your panic is warranted to contact services, family members, or authorities that might cause more harm than good. 

In our house we had emergency services listed on our fridge. Ambulance, Fire Brigade, Police, Extended Family. But are we told within society to ensure we have emergency services at hand to be preventative when a loved one or even a stranger is expressing suicidal ideation? I believe it is important to do our research, have services at hand, and also be considerate of contacting family when we do not know somebody's home situation. 

In Intentional Peer Support, we are taught to handle the panic that comes with feeling a sense of urgency, responsibility and dread when somebody expresses suicidal feelings. The first line of response is to take a moment to listen, be there for the person, and lend an ear. Especially if the person's ideation is passive, they often want to just talk about it. And oftentimes people avoid sharing it at all out of fear of having authorities called. After my experience, I learnt that I have to be very careful of whom I share my suicidal feelings. Every time I do, it is terrifying, not because of the feelings themselves, but because I am afraid it will escalate into something that takes away my Autonomy. 

My belief is that Clinical Intervention is sometimes needed, but we should also have spaces where people can talk freely about their feelings, feel safe, and have friends to talk to. For me, the feeling of isolation was a large reason for my suicidal feelings. Ironically, just being there, sitting with me, talking, listening, would be enough for me in those moments. 

I cannot give exact rules here. I can only give my experience, in that my conversations with Neurodivergent friends (who experience and share similar things), therapists and my counselor, are about just ... having a conversation. Just holding space for us does a huge amount of help. 

Validation is a language that is powerful an safe. Remember that validation is not about validation actions but feelings. Feelings are valid to feel, this world is hard, and dealing with mental health struggles makes it even harder. Sometimes we just need to talk it out, because holding it in makes it into a monster in our minds. 

When I feel suicidal, one of the hardest parts about it is that there is no space to process anything else. I feel like I am drowning in the ocean, grasping for a piece of wood to stay afloat. 

I think people don't realize that, at least in my experience, it is a moment to moment battle. When life is hard, I try get through the day. But with suicidal ideation, it is a battle just to get through each moment. 

I try my hardest to find something, anything to hold onto. I do not want to die. I certainly don't want to put myself through physical pain. I am terrified of death, and this isn't something I want. What I want is for the pain to end. My efforts to get through, is to try relieve it in some way. Sometimes that has been at the cost of saying hurtful things to others, of which I feel deep shame and remorse. Sometimes it is just trying to remind myself of one thing that might improve. 

I recall just saying to myself "after you cook, you can have some lunch. The food will feel comforting". 

It feels like when you have a burn, and putting your hand under cold water only slightly alleviates it, and taking it out of the cold water the burn comes right back. Sometimes, oftentimes, the water doesn't even do anything, and then I feel despair even more. 

All this being said, if someone tells me things will get better, I do not believe it in those moments. Sometimes it does help, but sometimes it just makes me feel invalidated. I wish I could give a straight-cut answer to you about what is best to say. My opinion, and it is only my opinion, is that it would be best to first listen, then validate ("I am so sorry you're experiencing such pain. I'm here for you. I'm sure it is incredibly painful and I have no idea how hard it must be, but know I'm here"). If it feels right, some hope is good. 

Sometimes I feel that I'm just so tired of trying to pick myself up, against a raging battle, and gravity. I have no more fight in me to give myself hope. Sometimes hearing it from the outside does help me. I feel like, I needed the validation and hope from somebody else, because I have no capacity to give it to myself anymore. 

Hope has pulled me out of so many moments and periods of suicidal ideation. Oftentimes knowing that one thing can change. My friends pointing out that one thing, usually helps alot. Blanket statements like "things will get easier" are less effective and sometimes feel invalidating or false. This is just my experience, I hope people can share their own in response to this post. 

Talking about suicide, sharing one's feelings of suicidal ideation, should not be a taboo. We need to talk about it, not be afraid of the conversation, and understand that it is part of the human experience to feel these things, when the world is so hard. 

I hope this post brings about some awareness to those who don't experience suicidal ideation, and hopefully brings some validation to those who do. 

May there be a glimmer of Hope to all those suffering from suicidal feelings, and let us come together and talk about it, offer community, safe spaces and kindness so that those who are struggling feel safe to share and receive support. Let us break the Taboo and panic surrounding it. Let us be preventative and allow space for those in need to come early for support.