The Tortoise and the Hare

One of the hardest things for me is the fact that I've lost out on time I will never get back. 

I have unbearable pain of knowing that even if I do make it, I will be in my late 30's, still not settled down, and have missed out on almost 2 decades of getting to experience the things I want.

But something has given me a sliver of Hope,
and I am holding onto it.
And I hope it helps you too. 

Some people have told me that they're lost, they don't know themselves, they've lost themselves in their relationships, or their job, or whatever else.

It made me think about how much I do know myself, how much I've worked on myself, and how I'm about to begin treatment for my BPD, after a lifetime or being undiagnosed and unaware of it. What a difference that is. 

I thought about the aspect that when I do find the formula for each thing in my life, perhaps I will not only be caught up, but be further. This is such a powerful thought. 

If I make it with Pillar of Light, not only will I finally be earning, get out of poverty, etc - but I will have a job I love. Something I want to do every day. Many people do not have that. 

Perhaps in my relationships or even sexual encounters, because I know myself well, know what boundaries to set for myself, and know my BPD, I will not only be getting those things I have missed out on, but will have more maturity and less toxicity than most. 

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I've been thinking about BPD and how I'm either in a terrible space, or an amazing one. The one advantage of BPD is that the mood swings are not based on cycles or randomness, but external factors. I also know that already since my diagnosis, I have been noticing my triggers and episodes, and acting on them less. 

It made me think about addicts, and how there are similarities to BPD. Both illnesses end up pushing others away, leave us estranged from our families with less support, both require us to do the hard work, usually alone, and to spend months or years in recovery till we are ready to function. 

But if someone becomes clean, and truly clean, they might be healthier than if they hadn't gone through their suffering. Both physically, and mentally.

Alot of what we learn in therapy, in our illness, makes us more put-together, more balanced. 

It is like training with ankle-weights, once you take them off, walking normally feels like you're walking on air.

 

And what is normal for others will be the best thing you've ever felt.

I remember when I was a teen, I used to eat whatever I wanted and never gained weight. This was a great privilege, but my body was not healthy even if it looked so. I ate junk food, I didn't even know how awful I felt because I was used to it. 

When I began gaining weight, I felt awful about how I'm going to have to watch my diet for the rest of my life. It felt like a burden. I thought healthy food was something that tasted bad. 

But now, I eat healthy, and my weight is a monitor for how healthy I'm eating. 

Perhaps my life is a "Tortoise and the Hare" situation. 

It feels like I am so behind, but when I finally make it, it will not just be a breakthrough, it will be like an arrow that has been pulled back with tension only to shoot forward