4 months ago, I was at the lowest of my lows. I had told myself that when my savings run out, I was checking out.
Newly diagnosed with BPD, having lost everything, I awoke in physical pain all over my body, as I have everyday the past 16 years.
The pain magnified by Autism. My nervous system wrecked by PTSD. In a mould-
infested apartment with the incessant sound of traffic, I was and am in sensory hell.
There was no hope for me.
When dealing with suicidal feelings, it is a moment to moment battle.
"I just have to push through the pain and get myself out of bed"
"Once I cook I can get a remnant of pleasure, for a few moments"
It feels like drowning in the ocean, and reaching for a plank to stay afloat.
Each moment is just a grasp for something, anything, to get through the next moment.
Each day is riding the waves of the mood swings, knowing when you're feeling good, your wave is going to crash down soon enough, and all will be once again in despair.
I reached out to suicide hotlines, and support groups who turned me away.
But over time, I found some people who have saved my life.
Oftentimes they were the only thing that kept me going;
some friends who had candles scattered amidst the darkness.
I looked for support near and far,
and traveled through caverns deep with pain,
and heard the cries of my heart echo through endless halls of despair.
But around the corner were people suffering like me,
some in a bit of a better space, and able to support me.
I posted on a group for Neurodivergent friends, and bore my heart and soul, asking if anyone would be open to support.
And Angels came to my desperate call that weakly echoed through the magnified caves, around the corners and to the Souls who gave me Hope, and Light, and a moment of comfort through endless pain.
And the biggest thing was that over time, it became a network, a tapestry of friends.
When one is in endless physical pain, there is no such thing as respite.
There isn't an inch of my body that hasn't felt pain, nor an inch of hope that it will someday end. One has to just grit their teeth and bear through it, try to ignore it, and reach out and grasp towards some light.
It is like when you are burned, and water only slightly soothes your skin while simultaneously the flame continues to burn even when the skin is wet.
But the messages from these friends, their willingness to listen and to hear my voice, to give Love, to give understanding, to relate, to know I'm not alone, were the grapples that helped me climb out of the cave.
I am still living in hell, but there is a light inside of me now, and it is not my own.
It belongs to those who keep my flame alight, and are there to rekindle it when it gets snuffed out by the cold and uncaring winds.
My new friends have accepted me, and for the first time, I feel like I have people who won't leave.
I feel like I have people who are going through or have gone through the immense torrent of suffering I've been through myself. People who are strong, and gifted, loving and caring.
I have them to thank for bringing me out of the depths, and helping me hold on, moment to moment.
And every month,
through every hurdle I overcame,
became a little easier. A little stronger. I became a little wiser, and knew all the nooks and crannies of the stone, and where to hook my feet,
and how to remember that when they slip, and my heart falls up into my throat, I can regain my footing.
I have lost more than most people ever will, and had pain that many will never know. To have every inch of your body, mind and emotions in agony, and not even a thought to hold onto to get through it, there are no words to express the pain.
And that is how I can describe my friends: with no words to suffice. Many of them in so much darkness themselves they haven't seen how much of a light they've brought me.
But daily, they are there, and without them, I'd be gone.
To the friends who brought me light, and you know who you are:
Thank you for saving my life. And for bringing me some ease amongst the sorrow, and the pain. I have hope now that I can do great things, that I can be appreciated and loved for who I am.
From being newly diagnosed with BPD and coming out of a transient paranoid episode, having daily episodes, with no money for therapy or treatment, I can proudly say that I have not had an episode in 2 months.
With PTSD, I cannot close my eyes without seeing flashbacks.
With BPD, I cannot close my eyes without intrusive thoughts of graphic things that cause me so much pain, my brain created them in my body without them ever happening. This is called persistent somatic memory.
Then the physical agony, the knowledge that I've lost my home, my family, most of my friends, all of my relationships.
Amongst the ruins of all that, these new friends have given me light to rebuild.
And this is the first step towards building a Stairway of Light that reaches far beyond the stars, and what can be perceived.
I will make the same difference that they made, and I will take this light and expand it. And the candles that get lit will spread the light further and further, until we have found each other more and more.
And together we will rebuild.
Through gentle light that weaves through the cracks in the stone, and finds the Souls who need it most.
I Love you guys, thank you for being my shining light in the darkest period of my Life. I now believe my pain will heal, and when it does, every inch of my body will be in ecstasy and peace.